This is 40

 

O LORD my God, you have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.  Psalms 40:5

My 20s: young expectations

At the beginning of both decades in adulthood, my expectations were extremely high for something “big” to happen in my life. My teenage years were full of confusion, strife, adult responsibilities, and the kind of heartache that even older adults would have a hard time navigating. I was robbed of so much during the formative years and situations were beyond my control.Once I became an adult and entered a new decade at the age of twenty, I was determined life would be different! I was aiming for a solid career, and as young women usually do, I wanted to start a family of my own. Life was finally going to be great!

Of course, it wasn’t quite that simple. I dealt with sickness and was diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease of my bowels not far into my twenties. In spite of that, I was blessed to have a great job making more than double the amount of minimum wage at the time. I had my own apartment, got married, and bought the vehicle I wanted since I learned how to drive…a 2005 burgundy Toyota Camry. That was a huge step up from my $600, dark green, ’91 Chevy Cavalier that mostly got me where I needed to go, but often left me stranded. I was even traveling like I dreamed of and went to the beach for the first time that I could remember. Life was getting great…

Soon after, things came to a turn, as they often can. The marriage I thought would be forever, wasn’t. It was actually only two years. Then after five years of employment, I lost my job. But it was all okay, because I was still young and had lots of life ahead of me. I even tried love again near the end of my twenties, because I was older and wiser now, so it would be different…

My 30s: Painful revelations

I walked into my thirties, having a new husband and a beautiful baby boy to do life with! Even though I was a housewife, I was still trying to do business start ups, hoping to make financial investments and decisions that would set up generational wealth for my children. I also unlocked the revelation of a crucial toxic relationship and could now put a name to it and set boundaries. Life was going to be great for real this time! Right?

Not quite…we filed bankruptcy not long after my son was born due to many factors beyond my control. My “big” plans were kind of failing at this point. Keep in mind, I was praying constantly and knew God through it all! (We’ve been rocking since I was fourteen). So it’s not that I didn’t have God or He didn’t have me. I was on a journey with a specific purpose.

We made it through our financial difficulty and I still had the same dreams and plans, but I couldn’t put my finger on why we weren’t getting ahead once the finances were worked out. I realized my life partner wasn’t on the same page as me in most areas of life like he initially portrayed. There were plenty of questions and even more tears. Again, these missteps were not part of my plan…I felt so bamboozled. Life got very unfamiliar at that point. Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes in life, it gets easier to think about the negatives, the disappointments, and all the things that just didn’t come.

But let me tell you what did happen…

A fresh Perspective

In my twenties, all of MY mess was revealed to me. There were issues I inherited that couldn’t be dealt with until I realized I had them. God reveals so He can heal. When we see ourselves, it can be ugly and very messy. The effects of my childhood and teenage trauma showed up in full force and came out swinging! Had I not looked into this mirror, I never would have realized how much inner work I needed to do. It wasn’t my fault, but healing was now my responsibility.

In my thirties, while still dealing with and navigating through the issues that showed up in my twenties, I was able to pinpoint the generational side of this trauma, where it came from, and how. I could finally start to heal physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. My physical healing included healing my gut from the chronic disease. I didn’t have high blood pressure that previously tried to grip me, nor was I prediabetic! I gave it all to God and He brought forth my healing because He was only one who could.

If God would have given me what I wanted when I wanted or when anyone else wanted it for me, I would have been manipulated into handing it over to them or allowing the enemy to take it from me.

Throughout my healing, I had to let go of many toxic relationships that my life was built around. Some being lifelong. It was painful, but the peace I gained was worth it. The revelations within this last decade especially, have helped me to process and allow the Lord to make me whole. 

It reminds of solving a jigsaw puzzle. Going into it, I know it’ll take time. I know it may be challenging.  I even have a goal of when I’ll finish it But then I’m frustrated when the pieces don’t fit and I have to try another piece and now it may take longer than I expected. So I’ll walk away and try to come back with a fresh perspective…if I come back at all.

The obvious truth about puzzles is if the wrong piece is left where it doesn’t belong, it throws the whole picture off defeating the whole purpose of the puzzle. That’s why God could’t let certain pieces fit in my life that I tried to place. He had to remove them and show me what didn’t belong in His plan and purpose for my life. I am His masterpiece and my life has to reflect that.

A New Thing

The irony of it all, is while I was hoping for the “big” thing, God was doing a NEW thing…in me, through me, with me, and for me. I was breaking through major ground in the spirit and in the natural, changing the entire trajectory of my life and the lives of my children and slowly becoming who HE had always created me to be. I was breaking generational curses and planting seeds of eternal life into my kids, leaving a legacy for them built on the truths of the word of God.

There were situations I went through that they’ll never have to because I won the battles for us. Where I didn’t have instructions for life, I can now write the blueprint for them so their lives won’t have to be harder than they have to. It’s never easy for a generational curse breaker because no one paved the way for us. We choose to say ‘no’, when those before us said ‘yes’ and ‘yes’ when those before us said ‘no’.

Walking into my 40s, I’m prepared to slow down, be still, listen, and let God take over my timeline. If He can create the earth and be strategic with the nature of each element, and literally create our bodies down to a science, when we started out as just dirt, how much more will He finish what He started in me? And if my plans fail again and my “big” thing (whatever that means at this point) doesn’t come until I’m in my fifties or sixties, God is still God and I’m okay with that. Oh, and the best part of it all…nothing with God is ever wasted. It’s all for His glory…even my failed plans.