True Love
Real love is a beautiful thing. Love gives us butterflies and goosebumps. It has an effect on us that makes our eyes light up, and our skin glow. It can make you feel like there’s not enough time in a day. It makes our hearts thump louder, faster, and slower, all at the same time. It makes us smile for seemingly no reason, but really, our minds are filled with joyful thoughts of whoever makes our hearts pitter patter. It can be messy, and complicated. It’s passion. It’s amazing. Love is life.
Something’s Off…
On the other hand, what do you do when you find yourself in a position where the person who is supposed to love and care for you the most, doesn’t? What if you’ve poured into someone you’re in close relationship with, and they don’t receive it or even reciprocate it? How about when someone is supposed to pour into you, but they don’t. What if they show you love in the beginning of your relationship or around other people, but behind closed doors, they shut you out and ignore you. They pull you in to get what they want out of you, then push you away and you’re back to square one. Is it all in your head? What if it’s a parent, spouse, or another close relative? What if it’s a church leader, teacher, or co-worker?
Unhealthy Patterns
Looking back over my life, I can see so clearly where some of the very ones who were supposed to love me the most, failed me. Children are to be loved, protected, and nurtured. Anything less leaves them neglected, or treated as burdens or afterthoughts. Those who are treated like the latter, and face early rejection can have deep wounds that are carried over well into adulthood, and this leaves them vulnerable for the next calculating individual(s) to come in and do their damage as well. For myself, some of this damage resulted in having to grow up a lot faster than my peers, keeping “secrets” I shouldn’t have had to keep, and bearing adult responsibilities before I was a teenager. It wasn’t until I was thirty, that I could finally put a name to my situation and start to heal and deal with it accordingly.
These unhealthy patterns even showed up in church systems, that I joined. The people could be loving, and I found some of my deepest relationships there, but the overall system wasn’t healthy for me. I followed the rules, and looked the part on the outside, but on the inside I was broken, and didn’t have a clue how to heal. No one else did either. During my teenage years, I made mistakes that weren’t handled properly, or in a way that would manifest the inner healing that I needed. One bad decision lead to another and I felt like I went through so much of life alone. It turns out, the whole time I was seeking real, genuine, and unconditional love and connections from others because I didn’t have it from the places I should have. This bled over into so many other areas of my life.
Non Toxic People
I understand that in today’s world, the word toxic gets thrown around a lot, in regards to people. If someone cheats, they get called toxic. If someone doesn’t do what you want, they can be called toxic. If someone leaves your church, they get called toxic. If your friend stops texting you, they may be called toxic. If someone doesn’t like you, they’re toxic…you get it. Well, in reality none of these in and of itself makes a person toxic. I’ve portrayed lots of toxic behavior in the past. Most of it was in response to trauma. I was hurting. I needed healing and I didn’t know it. People make mistakes, and they make bad decisions. If they’re sorry, correct their mistakes, and work on themselves, they most likely aren’t toxic.
Toxic People
An actual toxic person, will repeatedly lie about something they did, or said, to make you feel like you’re losing your mind. They try to alter your perception of what really happened, so that you question your own reality. This is called gas lighting. They will accuse you of the whatever wrong they’ve done, thus projecting their flaws on you. They’ll slander you, and try to turn others against you. They are never wrong, and are always the victim. They don’t apologize and if they do, they don’t mean it, it’s just to suck you back in, so they can continue the manipulative mind games and mental abuse. As long as you’re doing exactly what they want, all is well. However, if you call them out for this behavior or tell them no, all hell breaks loose. The slightest critique will push them over the edge.
Those are all a few examples of real toxicity and how a narcissistic person acts. These people have an inflated ego and think they are more important than everyone else, more entitled, and they act accordingly. Narcissism is a sickness that people choose to have. They know exactly what they’re doing, who they’re hurting, and they don’t care. They are also very charming to the general public! This makes it harder to believe their victims when they speak out against them. They have no empathy for others, they can only imitate it. They aren’t capable of loving someone because they’re too selfish for that. They too, have trauma, but instead of choosing to heal, they choose to hurt. That is never okay.
Are you A Victim?
Victims of narcissistic abuse usually have low self esteem, low self worth, and struggle with anxiety and depression. Many of them have physical illnesses as well. Narcissists will suck the life out of whoever they can, for as long as they can and the victims end up drained, and lose themselves in the process. Victims will usually have trouble making decisions since their confidence is lacking. There may even be a constant emptiness and a void that never seems to fill. One major revelation I recently had about myself, is that I’m not only private about my life, but also any ‘wins’ that I may have in life because I wasn’t really celebrated along the way. So, I learned to not really celebrate myself either.
What’s Next?
So what did I do with all of this? If this pain resonates with you, what do you do? Well, the first thing you do is learn, recognize, and know, that your worth is not defined by anyone on earth. If you look for a person to give you value, then that same person can take it away. No matter what that person’s title is, don’t fall for it. Of course we all need people in our corner, but you have to find value within yourself.
Step 1: Establish your worth
Let’s talk about the man who walked the earth, perfectly. This man decided to allow the religious leaders of his time to wrongfully kill him, so that every person born from then on, could be forgiven of their sins, and have a chance at eternal life. Jesus is the Son of the Almighty God, and He loves you so much, He thought you were worth dying for. So that act alone proves that you are worth so much more than the mistreatment and mishandling of those around you.
The Lord your God in the midst of you is mighty; He will save, He will rejoice over you with joy, he will rest in His love, he will joy over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17 NJKV
And you are complete in Him
Colossians 2:10 KJV
I understand how easy it is to be fueled by painful emotions, feelings, and the lies you have been told for so long…including the lies you’ve told yourself. That’s why the word of God is vital! It is truth and it crushes the lies of the enemy and ‘inner me’. So, when I think to myself, Lord, I can’t be a blogger. I’m not a good enough writer…He brings to my remembrance several versus from the book of Isaiah, chapter 43, and Esther 4:14, to remind me that He created me, knows me most, and loves me best. What He speaks to or over me, is more important than my flawed thought process.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8 KJV
Step 2: (Trigger Warning…) Forgiveness
The next thing you do, is forgive your offender(s). Forgive them all. Feel the pain, don’t try to bury it. Cry it out, pray, talk it out to someone you trust. Write, sing…whatever you can do without harming yourself or others, so it doesn’t sit, and fester inside…do it. If the wounds are really fresh, just hearing someone say the word ‘forgive’, can be triggering. I get it. You’ve heard it a thousand times before. You’ve even heard that forgiveness is for you and not them.
- I know they hurt you beyond words, and they aren’t even sorry.
- I know they blame you for what they did.
- I know they lie and make you look crazy.
- I know it seems like they are currently living their best life and you’re still struggling.
Forgive them anyway.
How do you know when you’ve forgiven them? When you no longer want them punished for their offense, and can let it go. You’ll remember it. It’ll still hurt, but release them from any revenge on your part. Take your hands off it. Pray for them. Remember, forgiveness does not equal restoration. All relationships cannot be restored, and that’s okay. No matter who it is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Some people are committed to misunderstanding you, and have to be hell raisers. You are not obligated to be in close connection with these people. The Bible even tells us,
If it be possible, as much as lies in YOU, live peaceably with all men
Romans 12:18 KJV
Step 3: Set boundaries
I remember the first time I really sought help in dealing with a less than pleasant, person in my life. There was a lot of forgiveness emphasized for me to practice, and rightly so, but boundaries were never mentioned. I didn’t know I could guard my heart, and end the cycle instead of leaving it opened to people who were committed to hurting me, and had no consideration for my feelings. Jesus wasn’t a doormat and neither are we. While He walked the earth, he corrected and instructed in love, then continued on doing His father’s business. Loving people does not mean you are subject to their abusive or toxic ways. You need and deserve relationships with mutual love, respect, and healthy communication.
The wild thing about society, is if someone is being physically abused, we want them to get away from their abusers. However, if there is emotional, verbal, or mental abuse, it’s dismissed and the victim is often vilified. In those cases, well meaning people can thrown out forgiveness as if they are saying, ‘be a doormat’. But, no. We aren’t doing that here. Abuse is abuse. Hold no grudges, but protect yourself.
When you set boundaries, keep them! Stick to them. Your peace is worth is fighting for. If the narcissist can’t respect your boundaries, then even lower contact with them or no contact may be the solution.
Do Narcissists Change
Even though, narcissists generally get worse over time, I do believe they can change if, and only if, they surrender to Jesus Christ. They have to remove the mask, humble themselves, and come to Him with their full heart. I know of some that go to church faithfully, but they still treat others like objects, and are narcissistic in the way that they just want to be praised and unquestioned about their methods. Unpopular opinion, but everyone who goes to church doesn’t have the best intentions. However, God will deal with them as He sees fit. We all have free will, so whether the narcissist will change, or won’t, is ultimately up to them. However, until they change, boundaries should be set.
Moving Forward
If you suspect you’re dealing with a narcissist, first and foremost, my heart goes out to you! You are not alone. We are not alone. Just know that you can set boundaries for yourself and begin to heal. Healing is a process, so be very patient with yourself.
Therapy is a great start, as is reading books from others who have encountered the same or are professionals in dealing with this type of person. If you need therapy, don’t be ashamed. Narcissists drive their victims to need it. Your healing and freedom can begin now. You can start to breakup with the pain that is so familiar to you. I encourage you to research narcissism, and how to set boundaries. There is always hope!
As you were reading this, did someone specific come to mind, as you read over some signs of narcissism? Have you ever dealt with one? When did you come to the realization of them being such? Let me know in the comments, and as always, thanks for reading!